Depression has reared its ugly head again.
An overwhelming urge to hide away from the world.
The little things have become the big things.
The big things have become the impossible to deal with.
A heavy heart.
I’ve been here before.
I’m wiser this time, I know what needs to be done.
And yet it doesn’t change the debilitating fear I feel inside.
The exhaustion that I can feel at my core.
You see, depression lies.
It tells you that it will be victorious.
Depression takes your insecurities and magnifies them.
It creates new ones.
Depression takes your mighty brain and fills it with nonsense.
Anything that involves making decisions, concentrating and processing new information, seems futile.
Depression takes your friends, and family, and places them on pedestals.
It makes you believe you’re unworthy of their love, affection and attention. That you don’t match up to their greatness.
Depression creates a super-awareness of the fragility of the world.
Yet a numbness to it too.
Depression causes anxiety about every day things.
The phone ringing, noise, post to be opened and leaving the house. They become sources of worry and shame.
Depression feels as though your life has become one of those hazard perception tests.
Every situation seems hazardous. A potential source of hurt.
Depression changes our outlook and skews perception.
It’s as if we’re forced to wear grey-tinted spectacles.
And so, as I muster the energy to fight this relentless opponent, I allow myself time to rest, to get back to basics, to reach out for help and to take care of myself. The steps will be small but nonetheless mighty.
I might be down, but I’m not out.
If you’re struggling at the moment too, please do reach out for help – from your doctor, friends/family, organisations. The more supported you feel, the better. You CAN do this, one small step at a time.